He's fed, he's changed, he's being held, yet my baby won't stop crying. I'm the mom, why can't I figure out my own kid?
Seriously, how many poopy diapers can one baby have in 24 hours? It just keeps on coming!
I feel like a milk machine! Is this kid going to be permanently attached to me forever?
Why does he insist on peeing every time his diaper is open on the changing table?
He's three weeks old, shouldn't we be on a schedule by now? If not for his sake, then for my sanity!
I knew I'd be emotional, but I didn't think my feelings would change hourly. In the morning, I am confident in taking care of my baby. By evening I feel like I don't even know my own child anymore.
Is it going to be like this forever?
After writing all these thoughts out, I had an answer to the last question. No, it will not be like this forever. And that makes me sad and happy all at once. Sure it will be nice when he doesn't have so many stinky diapers, and it will be nice when he sleeps thru the night. And it will be nice when he looks at me and smiles. I look forward to when he can interact with his daddy and me and when he can hold up his own head. But then I'm reminded that he's only going to be this little for a very short time. He's already outgrowing some of his clothes, and soon he'll start to outgrow me. Not in a bad way, it's just that as he gets bigger he won't be so dependent on his mother. He won't need me to rock him to sleep. He won't need me to feed him at 3 o'clock in the morning. Someday he'll say his first words and take his first steps. I'm sure every mother looks forward to these milestones. And that's the way it should be, but I shouldn't overlook the age that he is now. This is the only time in his life when he'll need me more than he needs anybody else, and I should cherish it. Ok, I don't need to cherish the moments he misses the burp cloth and spits up all over my shirt, and I'm certainly not fond of the times his diaper leaks. But I do love that I am his mom, and I love that he knows that. He knows my voice, my scent, my face. I love when he takes a few moments to focus on me, and I love to watch him look at his surroundings with curiosity. I love that sometimes when he cries, I can pick him up and that solves the problem--he just wanted to be close to mommy. These are the moments I will miss, and amidst the chaos and crying and sleep deprivation, these are the moments I will remember.
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5 comments:
Oh, Mare, this entry made me get all teary-eyed. I so remember feeling/thinking all those things. Heck, I even still feel that way sometimes--like when I come home from a long day at work and Ari barely notices, or when she chooses Daddy over me. No one has the ability to break your heart like your child--yet no one else has the ability to make your day like that same child. I suppose those moments of heartbreak are the price we pay for all the moments that take our breath away and overwhelm us with love.
And you are so right about what you look back and remember. I barely remember the spitting up and the endless crying spells--but I do remember the smiles, the baby giggles, the moments where she would just stare at me so intensely, like she was memorizing my face. I think the hard moments of motherhood are what make those happy moments so much more special.
*hugs* I love you, Mary!
I know you already know in your heart and mind that this won't last forever, but it really doesn't. They grow up so fast.
You really are a great Mom already. Don't doubt yourself.
I remember a few months after I was done nursing Sarah I came across my nursing gowns in a drawer I was cleaning out and I actually stuffed them back in the drawer and felt nauseous at the thought of ever wearing those again. I actually liked having a little freedom. As strange as that sounds, I really loved nursing and I did have three more after her so I guess I got over it.
Babies do cry for no reason just like we do sometimes. He will survive and I promise you will too.
Love, Mom 2
Awwww Mary. I'm sorry you are having a postpartum blues kind of day. You wouldn't be normal if you didn't have these feelings once in a while. I wish I could be there to give you a hug! Give me a call next time, okay? Believe me these times will pass as quickly as they come. Believe it or not I miss those newborn infant days. Savor every moment because they pass all too quickly. Hold on for the ride!
I remember all of those feelings. But they will pass and you'll have sweet memories in their place. oxox to Matthew from us.
It took Dylan almost 3 months to get on a schedule, but consistancy is key. My main problem what him peeing through his clothes every hour and spitting up constantly so I changed his outfits about 5 times a day which made for A LOT of laundry. I went through the whole postpardum thing initially, but it does go away. A good thing to do is to get out of the house even if it's just for a walk around the neighborhood w/ him in the stroller. I'll be praying for ya my dear!
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